Dream 119

Warning: please do not read this unless you are extremely mature as a Christian.
I have to record all that I see and experience so that many will know how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is obedience to God in the face of insecurity. Well… most times I just keep going regardless of my emotional state so I guess it also serves as history that will let dream chasers know that they are not alone in their emotional battles.
Love you all.

Dream 119
Frustration and anger boil through my veins like hot lava. I am so angry that my vision shakes with the sheer release of emotion from my spirit.
Above me Michael continues to hammer on the dome that covers my small home town, a three kilometer giant in his full glory, focused and clinical.

Every shot against the dome thunders through my spirit and the fury within me boils to a crescendo that overflows with a shout from my lips that startles even the birds in the physical realm. They lift off from the reeds upon the water before me in disarray and flutter in the air above in a dark massed cloud.

Me:
“WHY BOTHER WITH MANKIND? WE ARE A SELFISH VIRUS THAT SHOULD BE WIPED OUT!”

As usual, Michael ignores me and continues to hammer at the dome.
My fury, having no place to go, abates impotently and I sit down whimpering in the grass.

Me:
“Why is mankind ok with poverty? I don’t understand. Why do we not care? Why do even those who profess to be filled with the Holy Spirit feel nothing for children who grow up with neither hope nor love? I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Why must I endure this burden to see change in a world that cares for nothing but self enrichment?
Oh Nineveh, why does God still hunger to save you when you should be scorched from this earth? Why is love extended to only those who can afford it?
Oh God of Abraham, save me from this torment, take my life and let me sleep eternally. I cannot bare the things my eyes see and the things my ears hear.
I cannot bare to watch as saints are humiliated by saints because their skin differs in color.
I cannot bare these visions of starving children and vicious men who take advantage of them.

The cold hearts of believers break mine. I long for death as a thirsty gazelle for sweet water. The sorrow that fills my soul threatens to fill my lungs and take the very breath of me.

Why do the wicked prosper while the righteous are forsaken? Why does it seem that your word lies when it speaks of light burdens and abundant life?
Even speaking to these messengers of God does not satiate my hunger to see the kingdom of heaven on earth. I am tired of words, I hunger for action. I hunger for fruit so that those who are hungry may eat and those who are lost may be found.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Why are your eyes blind to the suffering of your children? Why is your face turned from the cold hearts of your servants? Where is your goodness? Where is your mercy? Oh God! Use me to make a difference or snatch the life from me so that I may turn to dust for I would rather cease to exist than stare powerlessly at such injustice for one more moment!”

I suddenly feel the familiar pull on my spirit and do not resist as I am dragged across the world to stand upon the mountain before the fallen archangel Lucifuge once again.
As usual his legs disappear into the valley below and his face is before me, level with the mountain top.
The noble nose, greying hair at the temples, the ultimate father figure stands before me, displaying interest in who I am and how I feel.

Lucifuge:
“Courier, it is good to see you again and I see that pain courses through your heart today.”

His voice is filled with concern. Like a mentor or father touched by the hurt of a child. If I did not know better I would have believed his concern to be real.

Lucifuge:
“I try to warn you each time about the heartlessness of the Father and his children. It is from this very pain that I try to spare you but your dogged loyalty to a selfish God in a selfish kingdom seems nigh unshakable!

Look at the facts for a minute and let us reason together. You were instructed by his very angels to be upon the land beneath Michael but you will soon be evicted because the land will be owned by an unbeliever by mid December. Your brothers and friends care not for your assignment, it is too inconvenient for them to deal with the fallout of mass poverty. They would rather keep their distance and’ pray about it’ than actually help you make a difference. Look how they evict and humiliate the black pastors that you work so hard to help. Do you honestly think that they care about anything except their own convenience?
You are simply too much for them and your vision overwhelming and impossible to them. Christians care nothing for poverty because they are exactly like their Father in heaven. All talk and no action.
If God is as loving as he and his servants profess him to be, why does resource not pour in for you to do the things he asks you to do? It is because he is the Father of lies.
Christians have it the wrong way around. They accuse our lord Lucifer of being the liar when it is the Father who lies.
Lucifer is light and his kingdom is a kingdom of light. In the light there is only truth and people hate the truth. They cling to fantasies such as the one you cling to – that God actually cares about poverty. He does not. God cares only for Israel and even his son refers to gentiles as dogs.
Look how Israel is blessed while you suffer. You are a dog to him, nothing more. He uses you to enrich his people and serve his people. The jews profit off global wars and stimulate division among the nations so that they may profit from the chaos. As a people they have spent so much time in slavery that they now enslave the world. God’s chosen people, blessed by God while you suffer. Can you not see this Courier? Why do you insist on staying the course in loyalty to a God that does not reciprocate?
Why do you insist on serving a God that afflicts his alleged spiritual legacy with persecution and lack? Do you see jews getting crucified and martyred? No. It is only those who falsely believe that God has embraced children beyond his own who suffer so.
Christianity is a lie. I saw Jesus die that day and we had nothing to do with it. The Jews killed him and the gentiles embraced him and only those gentiles who have embraced mammon have seen any kind of provision since that time. The rest are persecuted and subjected to lack and slavery. Open your eyes Courier, Christianity is a lie and Jesus is a false god.”

The flood of information stuns me. The illusion of genuine concern from this demon is so convincing that every part of me wants to believe him. I am so tired of fighting a battle on a battleground that nobody else seems to see that I am once again tempted to just throw in the towel. My bitterness at the body of Christ for their nastiness and indifference to injustice and poverty rises in my throat like spiritual reflux and I fight an inward battle to not allow bitterness this victory.

I don’t say anything. I can’t, lest my words betray me, so I stay silent.

Lucifuge:
“The offer still stands Courier. None in the kingdom of God know who you truly are or what you are truly capable of. In the kingdom of light we do not only recognize you, we need you and hunger for one who can lead as you can. Our offer still stands: Join us, leave that land and lead the temple of light.
I have been authorized to unlock resources that will enable you to feed tens of millions in the name of Lucifer, whom the ‘saints’ unjustly call Satan. You will be known worldwide as the man who feeds the poor. We will grant you political power and international recognition. You will rub shoulders with both celebrities and world leaders. And after a fulfilling life, you will sleep eternally. Consider this request Courier, all you have to do is leave that land and call upon my name and together we shall do marvelous things!
Think upon this. At the time of your eviction I shall be there to comfort you and you will be at the mercy of Christianity no more. Soon comes the time when the slave shall be the master. You were born to be the greatest leader this world has ever seen, do not allow the forced humility of Christianity to rob you of this mighty destiny!”

The flattery is overwhelming. A powerful, fatherlike being offers me the world and appeals to every corner of my ego. My disappointment with Christianity weighs on me so heavily in this moment that I cannot even rebuke this fallen archangel with confidence.

Two months in a caravan with a leaky tent. No running water. No electricity. Scorn and rejection from those I thought my brothers. Humiliation for those whom I worked so hard to help. Imminent eviction from land that I was instructed to be upon for seventeen years, my wife about to be homeless because we no longer feel welcome in our own spiritual family. The loneliness of indifferent isolation by those who claim to serve a loving God.
The ice cold ultimatums of corporate christian leadership, my disappointment in all that I thought Christianity would be over a lifetime of servanthood and dashed hopes.
Twenty six years of complete devotion to a kingdom that has robbed me, rejected me and left me broken and fighting for hope.
Like a fish in shallow water, barely breathing, I submitted to the call. Only to run I to the cold, hard face of systematic, prejudicial, conditional love again.
I have seen so much in this race and sprinted at every assignment while most around me walked or sat. I simply have no hope for Christianity. There are too few good people and too many indifferent ones.
I am not impressed by visions of demons and angels, nor am I impressed by a friendly man who speaks of love yet throws his servants to the wolves.
I don’t care how blessed or favored I am in my personal capacity. I have always been well cared for. What you don’t understand is that I do not separate myself from those who suffer. They are me. If you help them, you help me. I am them. My heart is knitted to the hearts of billions and their pain weighs upon me insensately. I don’t care for your selfish sentiments that we cannot carry such weight. It only shows me how lost this world truly is when you try to soothe me with the same words that you use upon yourself to make this hell on earth somehow justifiable. The indifference of humanity is unacceptable and the indifference of believers without excuse. Poverty exists because you don’t care enough to do something about it and by ‘you’ I mean us collectively.
We are what we all do. A tree is known by its fruit and the fruit upon the tree of this world is rotten and selfish. It is too much for me to bear. I am so ashamed of us, all I can do to survive is breathe and gasp for the little puffs of oxygen that come from the few people in whom I truly see Jesus. But it is not enough. My lungs need air.

I stand here before this massive demon and waves of exhaustion crash over me. My heart breaks with a crack of thunder and I drop to my knees and begin to weep. The fight is over for me. My soul empties its grief into this mountaintop and I don’t care that I am on my knees before a demon. I want nothing that he has to offer, he is just a spectator witnessing the death of another delusional dreamer. I weep for years upon this mountain, decades pass and finally my grief shudders from me like an engine running out of fuel.
I observe the world fifty years into the future where very little has changed for those in poverty. More starve than ever before while churches that can house hundreds of thousands of people are built. Technology has advanced but humanity has not.
I close my eyes and breathe my final breath as a Christian. That side of me is dead.

I am no longer on the mountain. I am lying on my back on the land beneath Michael’s calf.
I stare up at Michael who continues to hammer at the dome. Nothing has changed, dead or alive, it all goes on with or without me. I simply don’t matter.

I turn my head to the side to see the friendly man lying in the grass beside me and, very strangely, Uriel, Gatherer and Builder lying in their backs beside him. The whole scene looks so comical and out of place that I start laughing like an idiot.

Me:
“That’s it, I have lost my mind!”

Friendly man:
“There’s a reason these angels call you son of sorrow you know.” (He laughs). “Couriers need to see the world as it truly is, without blinkers or filters. As you have just experienced, without the Holy Spirit you will fall apart like this!”
He lifts some dirt and lets it fall through his fingers.

Friendly man:
“Your conversation with mammon was very one sided, he did all the talking and you did all the crying. It takes a lot to deny your desire for the world to move at your speed. Mammon can speed things up to give the illusion of results but they are all temporary. He may give you all the money that you need to feed millions but when you stop feeding them, they simply go back to being hungry. What you need is a full blown revival of proactive love and good deeds so that one on one discipleship can take place. You need to create environments where the rich can befriend the poor and their children can be influenced. That is why the theme park and prayer tabernacle are so important. Feed both body and soul while you bridge the divide between rich and poor in a controlled environment.”

Me:
“Lord, I am excited about the vision but I have no idea where we will get the money and manpower. I cannot travel to share the vision and I no longer have a church from which to draw manpower. How will this vision come to pass?”

Friendly man:
“The vast majority of those who will come to help will be from other cities and nations. And be at peace, I will provide. This is my vision, not yours. You have made it yours but it is truly mine. You are the Courier, that alone is enough of a burden. Simply do as instructed each day and leave the details to me. Those who sow into my vision will receive an eternal reward. I speak to many, soon a few more will answer with great sacrifice and faithfulness. Do not be concerned.
The injustices that you see will always affect you. It is how we made you, don’t expect people to understand. Only the most mature will get it, the rest will struggle with the concept of carrying the burdens of others as if it were your own. Just stay the course and only allow those who celebrate you into your inner circle. I want you to close your circle Courier, do the things that make you happy and spend time with people who love you. Your visions will not become easier, make sure that your heart is protected lest what you experienced upon that mountain becomes a reality.”

Me:
“In the case of eviction from this land, what should I do Lord?”

Friendly man:
“Don’t worry about that. It will never happen. I am giving certain saints as much time as possible to sow but even if they are disobedient I will buy the land for you. Remember, you are to own nothing so this is not your problem. Just record all that you see and continue to make the vision plain. Try to have fun, I don’t want you be a grumpy old man.” (He laughs again).

Uriel:
“The kingdom is all son of sorrow. You are not alone. We are with you. The saints are with you. God is with you.”

Builder:
“Continue as you have, follow the instructions as you do. The scroll is opened and the blueprint is perfect. Do not be anxious, all is as it should be.”

Gatherer:
“Heed my instructions on who may be in your life. You shall disciple one hundred men and women and bring them to great influence and prosperity. A new season for a new harvest is upon you. I work to remove those who do not believe you and bring forth those who do. Proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor. The time of great harvest has begun.
I now begin to take from this earth the old so that the new may grow in their place. You will hear of many famous saints passing away this year. Do not be concerned, the time has come for a new wineskin and a departure from the rule of the Sauls. Now comes the time of the Davids. Rejoice, the great harvest is nigh.”

I wake up.